What I Say Versus What I Mean

What I say - “Yeah I am doing ok”

What I Mean - today I am out of bed and that feels like a miracle. I still hurt in my brain, my eyes are still sore and I am trying my hardest to concentrate on what you are saying, but compared to how I have been, this pain is bearable. I am desperate to get out of my bed and out of the house and so even if the pain gets worse I may stay out. This doesn’t mean I am faking my pain, it means I am faking my ok-ness. The reality is m, an ok day for me would have most people in bed.

What I say - “my migraines have been playing up recently”

What I mean - I am in constant pain. My head feels like it has literal bombs going off in it and I fight a daily war with myself over self worth. I fight to stay positive and remain upbeat. I fight to get out of bed and function. I feel like I am at war with my own body. I don’t know if there is any relief out there for me and I am trying to stay hopeful while also accepting what is. It is hard and I have days where I just want to cry with frustration, but don’t coz that will hurt my head.

What I say - “thanks for that idea, I will try it out”

What I mean - it have tried it. I have tried all the ‘its’. I don’t wanna come across as a dick or ungrateful that you care so I say I will give it a go but I have been there, done that, got the shirt. Dairy free? Done it. Gluten free? Yep. Sugar free? Uh huh. Essential oils? Naturopath? Medication a, b , and c right though to z. Hot baths, cold showers, piercings, massage....I. Have. Tried. It.

What I say - “wow that’s an interesting story”

What I mean - I don’t want to hear about your friend with a tumour, a stroke, a seizure, migraines for 25 years. I don’t want to hear about their miracle cure or what helped them. It either freaks me out or makes me depressed. I can’t handle it so please don’t tell me.

What I say - “prayer is always good, thanks for praying”.

What I mean - I believe in prayer as much as any christian. I believe God can heal. But unless you have a word from God that I will be healed, pray instead for my peace of mind and for strength. Praying for my healing and then being disappointed when it doesn’t happen actually makes things harder for me. It makes me feel like I have failed you and God. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. Belief and faith are two separate things. Believe God can heal, but unless you have the absolute faith certainty that he will, I have a list of other things you can pray for. And if you say you will pray for me, actually pray for me. Don’t just give me lip service. And if you don’t pray or aren’t a Christian or whatever, then it’s ok. Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.

What I say - “I am learning to accept this as part of my life”

What I mean - I am learning to accept this as part of my life. I am not defeated and giving up but I need to accept that this is. Please accept that it is ok for me to do that.