I have trust issues. Like big, huge trust issues.
I am told that this is because I have been deeply hurt by people who were meant to protect me, people who were in my close friend/family circle. This lack of protection and pain means that I find it very hard to let people close. Though I do share a lot about my life and my thoughts (I write a blog for goodness sake!), I very rarely trust people to not leave or hurt me. Even those I have been friends with for years are still people I worry about not actually liking me, being fake, and ready to abandon me as soon as something better comes along. I can count on one hand the people I actually trust to stand by me and to be honest when they say they like me.
But I push this down. Way way down. I refuse to look at how deep my issues go because if I do I can't live. I would never leave my house or talk to anyone ever again if I actually lived out of the mistrust that I have. I would assume that everyone on the street is ready to victimize and hurt me. I would cower in a corner and refuse to live. I have lived like that before and I refuse to do it now. So these feelings get pushed deep underground until I forget they are there and can continue to live life.
The problem with that is that I don't ever address the issues. I never work through them and so they just stay out of sight, out of mind, but ready to rear their ugly heads as soon as I feel threatened. This means I can be very black and white with people. If you hurt me or break my trust, even on something small, I find it very very hard to forgive you and be your friend again. Chances are I am more likely to push you away so you can't do it again. It also means that if we haven't chatted in a while I will assume that you don't like me and the next time we meet I will feel awkward and uncomfortable, believing that you are just putting up with my presence.
Like I said, I have issues.
I am not ashamed to say I am seeking counselling about this stuff. I need to be able to work through these things, instead of burying them, so that I can have healthy relationships with other people.
This week my counsellor set me some homework. He was talking to me about my issues (as counsellors do) and pointed out that I seemed to only want to trust people who first proved themselves to be perfect. Well duh! But then he pointed out that everyone, EVERYONE, is made in the image of God BUT is fallen.
We are all made for greatness, but we all screw it up.
We all hold the potential for doing good, and for doing evil.
No one can be perfect.
Now logically I know this. Spiritually I know this. Emotionally I want to throw this idea out of a very high window and watch it shatter on the ground. I don't want to acknowledge that everyone I know can love me and yet hurt me. I don't know how to hold those two in tension. I don't know how to trust people if this is the reality of life.
So my homework for the week was to contemplate the relationship of Judas and Jesus.
The thing we don't really contemplate a lot when it comes to Jesus and Judas is that they would have been friends. The hung out together everyday for 3 years. They were tight! Judas was one of the twelve who left his whole life to follow Jesus. He believed in him, believed his words. He preached for him, cast out demons, healed in his name. He looked after the money for the group. He ate with Jesus, slept next to him, walked with him. They were bros!
And Jesus knew what Judas would do. He knew what was necessary for his works to be complete and knew that this man who laughed with him, cried with him, prayed with him, would betray him in a way that wasn't even comprehensible to most people.
Yet he still loved him.
He still welcomed Judas, still allowed him to be a part of his inner circle. He still let him learn from him. And on the cross he still forgave him.
That is insane to me!! Why would he do this?
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